Thursday, November 18, 2010

Elemental Hamstrology - Wind

The fluxive element of wind is one of the rarest, for it is associated with breezy, windy areas and times of birth, with neither rain nor sun nor fog nor dampness.

Since it is so rare, it has not yet been heavily studied. Hamstrologists speculate that legumes may be ill-advised for those born under the elemental indiscretion of wind, for they may be stimulated to emulate their element of birth and produce ... wind.

Elemental Hamstrology - Water

I was going to color this hamster-yellow (actually it's just CMYK yellow), but then I thought how it would look and ... well, the element of water is a bit pissy, but that would be going to far.

People born while it rains, at sea or in bath tubs are influenced by the meta-hamstrological element of water, which also afflicts their behavioural patterns, making them pissy, wet-towels, fluid, flexible, watery, wet-behind-the-ears and occasionally somewhat moist or damp.

Besides rainy weather, this elemental influxorium is also associated with people who like cabbages, since cabbages are the avatars of water of transcendental haemogyptian mythology, which obviously formed the basis of da Vinci's "study of a chair with dwarf hiding behind it," where we can see that he was not one of the illuminati, but in reality a pigeon-fancier and hamstrology-denier (that makes slightly more sense than the whole plot of the Da Vinci Code, so don't steal it).

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Elemental Hamstrology - Fire

Every sub-atomic and atomic particle is born of stars and since the principle applies that as below, so above, it must follow that stars reproduce the 4+1 basic hamstrological elements that combine too form the boo-ons that bake up the material world we see.

One of those elements is "fever", closely associated with heat and fire. The element of "fever" applies to those people born when it is sunny in the place they were born, or at least where the heating and lighting are far too strong, indelibly imprinting the newborn sentient with a burning misunderstanding of the world and a passion for excitation and pontification.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Broken Honeypot

On the basis of the application of hermetic and hermeneutic principles, combining the Gaia hypothesis and the ecology of hamsters, I have begun to develop an alternative zodiac and futuromancy to help modern people make sense of their lives, plan their weddings and pay money to fortune tellers. I have not yet decided whether to call it Cricetinomancy or Astrocricetinology, in both cases with a sub-astral focus on lunar trans-energistic modulation and vitalo-functive transduction of life-giving aethers.

Anyway, the Broken honeypot applies to people born during neap tides, when the moon is in its first or third quarter, from the 13th of September to the 14th of December, except for the 1st and 2nd of October. Every year that is divisible by 5 it also applies to people born from the 2nd to the 8th of May.

Broken honeypot people are just like other people, but they may be given to taciturnity coupled with outbursts of sociability, they can be likeable but also annoying, sometimes they like to devote themselves to a certain pursuit single-mindedly, but this can easily turn to laziness and a generally slothish demeanour. Broken honeypots should avoid eating healthy food, because they have a tendency to absorb too many vitamins from even the worst refuse, and could be susceptible to hypervitaminosis. For some unknown reason, broken honeypots are possibly more likely under rare circumstances to have more accidents involving the liver and kidneys. Beware of lice and bedbugs, for they have a predilection for honeypots, along with bears.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Capricorn Hamster

Capricorn ... the sea goat. Umm. Yeah. I see it. A goat comes to the seaside, gets drunk and a summer romance with a tuna ensues. Yeah. Likely.

Sagittarius Hamster

Ok, this sign is quite cool. Centaurs are cool. Even the sign is nice and simple.

Scorpio Hamster

Another animal sign. Decent enough, but again, couldn't they find an animal that's a little less creepy crawly than a scorpion? Like a snake? Or a lizard? And what is it with this penchant for arachnids! No insects. If you think about it, 2 fish (well, counting capricorn), 2 arachnids, fourish mammals (including capricorn again), a kitchen implement, and some humanish creatures. It's injust. No lizards, no birds, no amphibians, no insects, no plants. Imagine an astral sign, the Potted Plant. Or the Date Palm. Wouldn't it work? Yes, it would.

Libra Hamster

I can understand the importance of balance, but a sign named after a kitchen appliance? Why not make a sign like Mixer or Potato Masher? Cork popper? But ok, at least it's something to draw, not like Virgo.

Virgo Hamster

Virgo. What kind of sign is this? Another weird one, just a sort of female figure who doesn't really do anything, because she's trying to stay a virgin. And look at the symbol! An "m" with a "fish" ... what is that supposed to suggest? That Virgos are fishy males?

Leo Hamster

Leo is a decent enough sign. Finally something that looks vaguely impressive again. Admittedly the symbol reminds me of a bison, not a lion, but ok. Let it be.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Cancer Hamster

Another weird sign. I mean, once upon a time cancer might have just been a crab with a crummy name, but nowadays ... just think about the association! Either there's a horrible, deadly, protean disease named after this sign. Or this sign is also named after a disease. Or someone is just suggesting there's common ground between cancers and cancers. Someone should really do this sign a favour and change it. Maybe just rename it Crab (but that sounds kind of lame, even Aries isn't called just Sheep), or just find something else that looks kind of like that constellation. Maybe Medusa, or Sea Urchin, you could call it Echinodermata to make it sound more sciencey, since astrology loves scienciness.

Gemini Siamster

I just don't get this sign. I mean ... two signs in one. What, are they supposed to be fully schizoid? Indecisive? Divisive? United? Loyal?

Seriously, someone could have made a better sign. Like Pie. And the symbol would have been nearly identical.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Taurus Hamster

Taurus. The bullhamster. They tend to be very single minded, mostly because most of this sign's mind has been converted into ceratinous horn matter to produce those horny honking horns, which protrude so mightily from their craniai. I exercised restraint with this sign, and did not also illustrate the masculine appendage so commonly associated with the bullhamster ... yes, there is no bullwhip here.

Aries Hamster

Aries. Another inferior sign, for it exists only to be fleeced and provide woolen long johns to other signs. In that sense it is economically quite useful, but it is not recommended that you take arii too seriously. They will simply bleat along like sheepses always have.

But they are fuzzy, aren't they?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pisces Hamster

The Sign of Pisces is usually associated with battered and deep fried sea-meat served along with deep fried carbohydrate sticks wrapped in yellow pages and other tabloid press. The string represents their connection to the kitchen and vital sources of Omega 3 fatty acids.

Aquarius Hamster

I realised astrology is quite popular among a certain segment of the population, so I've decided to commemorate their well-founded and hardly at all unfounded assumptions about remote balls of rock and gas lining up with other balls of burning gas hundreds of light years apart affecting the fates and fortunes of mid-sized carbon based life-forms on a ball of rock circling around our own special ball of burning gas.

To start. The best, and only truly noble and worthy sign of the Zodiac. Aquarius.